I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
