my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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