thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
