my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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