I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize