fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
