I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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