I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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