Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You may now shotgun with the bride
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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