Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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