I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
