Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
