i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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