My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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