i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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