Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
