He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
