I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
