I think i peed on brittanys purse
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
