I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
