i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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