have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
