the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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