i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
