He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
