How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
