Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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