checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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