I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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