Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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