Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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