I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
