Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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