Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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