So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
