i think my mom watched the whole time
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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