...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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