i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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