Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
