I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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