allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
