I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
