YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
