You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
