Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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