Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
