His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
