dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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