You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
