help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
