so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
