A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
