I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
