at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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